Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
