Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
You need a sexual gate keeper
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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