you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Life is so much better after having sex.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
