Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
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