Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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