I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
