Cold hands, warm shart.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
