My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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