Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
