remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
