Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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