Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
