When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
