STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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