I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
