it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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