Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Randomize
