Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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