she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
