I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
