I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
