my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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