he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
