Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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