At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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