i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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