My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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