I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
