I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
My vagina just recognized that song.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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