His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
