You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Randomize
