she woke up with a sticky ear
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
a search helicopter?!
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
