I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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