why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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