sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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