im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Found the puke drawer
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Randomize
