Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
im calling her cock vulture from now on
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
