Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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