So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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