peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
