I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
