Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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