Just cropdusted the office
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
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