just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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