If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just blew my weed a kiss
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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