I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Dicks are not precious.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
