I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
