70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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