i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
