just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
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You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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