the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I can't put those talents on a resume
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
