I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I just googled if crying burns calories
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
