I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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