1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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