Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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