i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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