Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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