I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
