I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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