Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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