my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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