24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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