Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
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I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
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