How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
