mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
