More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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