Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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