He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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