No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Randomize
