If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
