He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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