What did I eat last night that was bloody?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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